Thoughts on how to achieve personal change in 2025
I was in my mid-20s when my dad became very ill with tuberculosis and emphysema. He would be sick for some years, but at almost every level (obliviously), I never accepted it—even though at one time my girlfriend had to talk my brother through CPR over the phone.
At some psychological level, I did not believe it. He was admitted to the hospital several times, and I would visit with my mum, but it never occurred to me that, at any stage, it could be the last time I saw him. Then, one night, we got the call that my dad was dead.
I was in shock. Disbelief. I couldn’t believe what just happened. Worse, I realised I had missed opportunities to spend quality time with him and to say goodbye.
Avoidance: The silent roadblock
Three years ago, shortly after suffering a brain aneurysm (subarachnoid haemorrhage), I met Simone-Ellen Keller, a brand specialist and founder of Genius You—a system that empowers personal transformation through self-understanding and development.
What I learned was that I was engaging in ‘avoidance’ behaviour—a coping mechanism where I was actively ‘running away’ from certain emotions. Emotional avoidance is where you put your hands over your ears and go, ‘nah, nah, nah – I can’t hear you!’
It’s strange because ‘fear’, as I saw, was not something I particularly subscribed to. For example, growing up, if I was sent to the headmaster for canning, I would happily go – I would rush to trouble to get the worst over and done with. The thing is, that too is a form of avoidance because it meant I never had to deal with the ‘why’ I was getting caned (which happened frequently).
The problem is that ‘avoidance’ can really mess things up, from relationships and romance to finances, work, personal growth and missed opportunities. I was blessed because my relationships have always been really healthy (it helps to like people). Business, work, and finance were other matters.
Business coaches and advisors had come and gone. Few of them had much if any, impact—with the exception of Mike Handcock, who has been instrumental in my journey (I was to blame, not them, and I was frustrating to deal with).
I’d been moderately successful, but only so far that I got what was necessary done. The result was that I felt stuck and frustrated—I knew I could do so much more, but I always seemed to be spinning my wheels.
What I learned from doing Genius You with Simone is that emotions are critical to how we navigate life, yet for the most part, we never attempt to interpret the message our emotions are trying to communicate; they are signals to get us to change certain behaviours. Yet so many people spend their lives ignoring them, running away from them, medicating them and or even abusing substances to numb them.
I spent my time avoiding them.
Emotions are not good or bad; they just are. Simone taught me to listen to my emotions, to trace where they were coming from, for example, a learned behaviour (I never questioned), which may have been the result of an experience or trauma or simply my subconscious mind trying to steer me in a certain direction.
Avoidance tactics
One of my avoidance tactics was to be ‘agreeable’. I always see the other side of the story, sometimes much more than is warranted. The result was that I didn’t fight to ‘get my way’ or persist towards outcomes more favourable to me (it’s not always a good thing).
I’m not afraid of conflict with somebody who is hostile, but when it comes to conflict with somebody I know, like a client, I would roll over (again, that’s not always a good thing). For example, it was easy to beat me down on price or get me to over-deliver beyond what was reasonable.
Always putting myself in the other person’s shoes was and is an avoidance tactic.
Listening to emotions: A tool for transformation
Here are three things about personal change I learned from the
Genius You programme with Simone-Ellen Keller:
1. Avoidance hinders progress: Ignoring emotions and challenges leads to stagnation.
Tip: Identify avoidance behaviours and face issues directly to drive personal and professional growth.
2. Emotions are signals: Listening to emotions can guide better decisions.
Tip: Reflect on feelings to uncover hidden motivations and adjust strategies accordingly.
3. Value yourself: Devaluing yourself is avoidance.
Tip: Acknowledge your value and set clear rules around how to maintain your real value without backsliding.
Sometimes, you have to stand in your own shoes.